Sholey Revisited - Once Again

Let us start from where we left off last time and continue to make Sholey’s plot a little more contemporary. 

Scene: Kaaliya and 2 other “extras” come to Ramgadh to get their monthly supply of food

Kaalia: Dhaulia, what have you brought today?

Dhaulia: Some wheat, sir.

Kaalia: Only this much? Have you kept the rest for the wedding party of your daughter’s wedding?

Dhaulia: Sir, what do I tell you about my daughter’s marriage plans? Where do I even start? So, she was dating this dude from Haripur she met at a dating website last year. He was a cool kid who would bring chocolates, cauliflowers, water melons etc. on dates. Then they broke up because he got hooked up with another chick from Meerapur. And the crazy part was that he broke up with her with a text message. Then my daughter started dating Ahmed but my wife hated the inter-faith hookup….

Kaalia: Stop, stop, stop. That is enough. Oh God! Why did I even ask the stupid question? So, Seetaram, what have you brought?

Seetram: Oatmeal, sir.

Kaalia: WTF. What is this oatmeal?

Seetaram: Sir, this is a good breakfast food…full of fiber and nutrients.

Kaalia: Why do you think we need fiber? Do we look constipated, you SOB?

Seetaram: No, Sir. But that is what I have.

Thankur (with his both hands tied tightly in the back to give the impression that he has no arms) enters the scene:

Thakur: Stop Dhaulia!!! Tell these dogs that they can no longer take food like this.

Kaaliya:  What do you mean we cannot take this food? From now on, are you going to FedEx our monthly supplies? If you do, make sure you use the next-day delivery option. Do not skimp on shipping charges otherwise Gabbar won’t be happy.

Thakur: Kaalia, raise your head and see the death standing at the top of the water tank. Leave now!!!

Scene: Gabbar pacing back and forth, whereas, Kaaliya and 2 other “extras” stand in front of him with their heads hung in shame:

Gabbar: How many of them were there?

Kaalia: Two, Sir.

Gabbar: Two… and you were three, even then you came back….. empty headed? Why were you so scared? Did you see Bahwa chicks – Kiddo and Kanya?

Kaalia: No, Sir. Luckily, Kiddo was out of town to visit a newly-opened beauty parlor in the neighboring village. And Kanya was out on a date with a guy named Pappu who she met at Shaadi.com.

Gabbar: Interesting….that Kiddo girl can never get enough of beauty parlor visits. Anyway, so no Bahwa girls but you were still scared. Arrey Oh Sambha!! What is the government’s reward on my head?

Sambha: Sir, 50 lakh rupees.

Gabbar: Did you hear that, Kaalia? 50 lakh rupees. Do you know why? It is because in a 50 mile radius from here, whenever kids wake up at night, their mother gives them an iPad to play angry birds on it until the kid goes back to sleep again.

Kaalia: Angry birds on iPad? But then what does that have to do with the 50 lakh rupees reward on your head?

Gabbar: Did I say that there would be a correlation between the two? Who do you think I am? A correlation algorithm writer for Google? Don’t you know that my entire education background consists of trying to read my own tattoos? In any case, you need to be punished. Let us play some Russian roulette.

Kaalia: Wow, are we going to Las Vegas?

Gabbar: No, you idiot. Arrey oh Sambha!!! Give me your gun!!!

Sambha hands over his big-ass automatic gun to Gabbar.

Gabbar: Wow, this is a monster gun. Where did you get it from?

Sambha: Amazon.com, Sir.

Gabbar: Oh, they sell guns now? May be I should check them out.

Sambha: Yes, they have added guns to their burgeoning portfolio. In fact, they are now adding pantry items also in order to go after Costco’s business.

Gabbar: They are becoming as omnipresent as Google. I think these two will take over the world soon.

Sambhar: Sir, how about punshing Kaalia and the other 2 idiots.

Gabbar (sheepishly): Oh yeah yeah. I forgot….I get distracted pretty easily. So, how many bullets does it have?

Sambha: Each magazine has 3500 bullets each, Sir.

Gabbar: Humm. 3500 bullets and 3 men. That is not fair. So have many extra bullets does it have? Damn! I cannot do that kind of math in my head. There goes my plan of playing my version of Russian roulette with these bastards….

Director Ramesh Sippy: Cut, Cut, Cut!!

As always, my final thought on the outcome of the Delhi elections: At the best of times, democracy is a seesaw between a tolerable confusion and complete chaos.

A (Kind of) Tribute to Bollywood

Lately, my US-born sons have started to watch some Bollywood flicks. And I am not particularly proud to report that the movies they have really liked so far belong to the Hindi movie category I call “do not dare use your brain…..at all” kind of movies. Examples include, “Bol Bachchan”, “Son of Sardar”, “Himmatwala” (new one), “Om Shanti Om”, etc.  So, last weekend I convinced my older son to watch the all time classic, “Sholey” so that he knows that there are also some great Hindi movies out there. After watching “Sholey”, he and I started to wonder how the movie will change if we touch up the plot in today’s environment. If some of it (or all of it) appears to be contrived…well, that was the intention anyway.

For example, this is how the first scene may pan out…

Scene: Jailor comes to visit Thakur at his home:

Jailor: Thakur Sahib, as soon as I received your e-mail, I took the next flight out. Is there something urgent that you wanted to discuss in person and not in an e-mail or over the phone?

Thankur: Yes Jailor Sahib. I wanted to see you in person because this is an extremely important assignment.

Jailor: We could have done a video call on Skype or Facebook. By the way, I have an iPhone now so you can always try Facetime with me.

Thakur: Alright, I get it. Anyway, I need you to find these 2 people (throws pictures of Jai and Veeru on the table).

Jailor: Oh, I know these petty criminals. They are Jai and Veeru.

Thakur: I know. I tried to find their Facebook profiles but they do not have any.

Jailor: Thakur Sahib, as you know, they spend most of their time in jail where WiFi is pretty patchy at best and hence updating their profiles would be almost impossible. That may explain why they do not have any FB profiles. Did you try to Google them or try to find them using other social media?

Thakur: Who do you think I am? Kanya Bahwa?

Jailor: Who is Kanya Bahwa?

Thakur: Some e-commerce enthusiast in New Delhi.

Jailor: Hmmm. One thing I do not understand is what kind of assignment you have that only these 2 can do for you? You know very well that they are criminals and good for nothing.

Thakur: Several years ago, this dacoit, Gabbar Singh killed my entire family. I have been living quietly after that… minding my own business. Now, I want to take revenge.

Jailor: Why suddenly now? After all these years??

Thakur: Well, if I do not take revenge, what will be the plot of this movie then? You do realize that you are in a movie as an extra, don’t you?

Jailor: Cool. By the way, in order to find Gabbar, you can also set up a website “FindGabbar.com” and post his pictures to raise awareness.

Thakur: What if the website keeps crashing like the Obamacare website? And who do you think can set up the website for me?

Jailor: Try this guy Skanda S. Balas. He is some kind of software architect. Also, you should write a blog to tell your story.

Thakur: I do not consider myself as a qualified person to write a blog.

Jailor: What do you mean you are not qualified??? Have you read some of the blogs these days? You should read “A Column About Nothing”… then you will know what I am talking about. People paddle all kind of BS in their blogs these days.

Thakur: Are you really a dimwit? Rather than suggesting this and that, can you focus on the script here? I want these 2 guys as soon as possible.

Jailor: ok, ok. Let me see what I can do. Lemme go and send some tweets to other jailors.

Scene: Thakur explains the assignment to  Jai and Veeru:

Veeru: So we have to catch Gabbar and that too alive?

Thakur: Yes.

Veeru: Thakur Sahib. Gabbar is not like the mayor of Toronto who passes out after a dose of crack cocaine and you go and catch him.

Thakur: I get it. That is why I am paying you this much money.

Jai: Thakur Sahib, let me ask you this. In your opinion, we are also crooks and criminals so why did you pick us for this task?

Thakur: Who else would you suggest?

Jai: Why not Rajnikant? Heard he can do anything.

Veeru: He even knows Victoria’s Secret.

Thakur: Have you heard the saying, “Iron cuts iron”?

Jai: No, I have not but it sounds pretty cheesy.

Thakur: You bet it does. But that is what it says in the script. Salim and Javed must be partying with Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto when they wrote such cheesy dialogues. So, apparently, iron cuts iron and that’s why you two are the right people to catch Gabbar for me.

Jai: Whatever rocks your boat, dude. You pony up the cash and we will do it for you.

Scene: Jai and Veeru get out of Ramgarh train station where Basanti is waiting with her tanga:

Basanti: Wasssup, guys. Would you like a ride? What are you looking at? Have you not seen a tanga before?

Veeru: Er….Er…

Basanti: Oh! So you must be wondering how come a girl is driving a tanga. Don’t chicks drive cars in cities?

Veeru: Of course they do. Not only that, even Kiddo Bahwa drives a car now. And you should see how she drives. When Kiddo is on the road, all rickshaw-pullers, street vendors, cyclists etc. flee the roads and take shelter in tornado-proof buildings. When she drives her Hyundai, she generates hurricane-level winds approaching 280 miles per hour, which knock down trees, electricity cables (and all the clothes which are hung to dry on those cables) or anything else that comes in Kiddo’s way.

Jai: Hey dude, isn’t Basanti supposed to do all the talking per the script?

Veeru: What are you talking about? When it comes to talking, Basanti is nothing compared to Kiddo Bahwa.

Jai: That I agree. Heard that Kiddo Bahwa can talk non-stop for hours. Isn’t she in Guinness Book of World Records already?

Veeru: You bet she is. She currently holds two records – the most dangerous driver on the streets of Delhi and the non-stop talker.

Basanti: Guys, guys, focus on the script here.

Director Ramesh Sippy: Cut Cut Cut!!!!!

To be continued…...

And as always, my final thought: “Roses are red, violets are blue, I am a schizophrenic and so am I” – Bill Murray in “What about Bob?”

Travel Titbits – A Few More Bits

So my last post regarding some of my travel experiences was greeted with rave reviews by critics all over the globe. Here are some of the samples (in the order I received them):

“A Masterpiece by Bobby Arora……he shows how you can travel all over the world but still do not learn a thing and stay dumb – Bob Soprano, New Jersey Times (wannabe New York Times)”

“Reading Bobby’s blogs is as painful as waxing but at least something good comes out when you are done with waxing – Kiddo Bahwa, a volunteer Beauty and Fashion Advisor to homeless women and a proud Candy Crusher, New Delhi, India”

“A humorist is a comedian who does not necessarily make you laugh. Mr. Arora is definitely a humorist because after reading his blog 23 times, I still did not find any reason even to smile….forget about a laugh. And what is his problem with Sandwich Artists, anyway? – Joseph Subway Hussain, North American Society of Sandwich Artists”

“Bobby Arora believes that there should always be a beginning, a middle, and an end in every story but not necessarily in that order. I rearranged all of his paragraphs multiple times but still could not get any order and could not make any sense – Kanya Bahwa, a self-proclaimed literary artist, who by the way is looking for a life partner who is intelligent, tall, handsome, sensitive, highly-educated, loving, and with a good sense of humor (Hmmmm….but the issue is that the Indian law does not allow a girl to marry 7 different guys)

“Being a Math genius, I did some quick math and realized that I have wasted 48 minutes 30 seconds of my life in the last one year reading 19 blogs by Bobby Arora (19 blogs x 2.5 min/blog + 1 minute to write this review). I could have utilized this time to play Wordament or watch reruns of Kohli’s innings against Australia – Skanda S. Balas, Software Architect (innovating at the speed of light), Math Genius, and a fierce critic of A Column About Nothing”

“Nice One – Deepa D.” (Enough said)

“Raanjhanaa is a wonderful movie. I have seen it 17 times already (16 of which in the opening weekend itself). Wait….what was the question again? What am I critiquing here? – Pallavi, a day time marketing executive and a night time Raanjhanaa watcher”

“There was a time when I used to look forward to Anshu’s e-mails announcing a new post on Bobby’s blog….. so that I could delete the e-mail right away. Now, I have set it up to automatically send these e-mails to the “junk/spam” folder – Maneet M. (last name withheld so that she does not end up in the witness protection program), President, Women Against Drunk Driving and Bobby’s Blog”

“I understand West Virgina’s per capita IQ is very low but where else can you find such abundance of natural beauty? – Meenu C./P. (Maiden/Married), a life-long WV supporter, when asked about her reaction to the rising prices of onions in India

“Rohit Sharma rocks and A Column About Nothing socks (I wanted to say “sucks” but that does not rhyme with rocks) – Rohit Sharma, on completing his century in his very first test innings against West Indies”

Obviously, after all these roaring reviews, it made perfect sense to write some more about my travel observations. Last week I was in Vancouver and visited a university. These days, with young kids doing all kinds of crazy stuff, universities all over North America have to provide mental health assistance. Nice idea but I was surprised about the execution. There were posters all over the campus asking questions, such as, “Are you depressed? Can you not focus on your studies? Do you suffer from an anxiety disorder?” and then the posters advised that the help was just one phone call away. The number to call? 1-800-SUICIDE. Really? Was it necessary to be so explicit? So, when a depressed soul may not even be thinking about suicide, the number will definitely spur the thought and may facilitate the process.

And I still laugh every time Air Canada invites me to “pre-board” as an elite member when they start the boarding process. What exactly is pre-boarding? Am I getting on the plane before I am getting on? On the way back from Vancouver, I ended up watching “White House Down” because it was a long flight and I had seen all other movies on previous flights. Throughout the movie, I kept thinking that even though it was an English movie, why did it have all kinds of unbelievable and illogical nonsense just like we see in most of the Bollywood flicks? (I said “most”, not all, before some Bollywood lover gets upset and sends me some mail bombs). And finally I got the answer when the movie ended with “A movie by Rohit Shetty”. That explains it.

The previous week in Quebec City, we ended up in a restaurant where they did not have any English menus. And since my colleagues traveling with me knew that I had taken French lessons last year, I did not want to admit that I did not understand anything on the menu and needed help. When the waitress was taking drink orders, I just pointed to the last line on the Vin au verre list (which I figured must be ‘wine by the glass’ based on some of descriptions) because it was one of the most expensive wines (so must be really good). The waitress started laughing and said, “Joking, right?” I was perplexed so my French-speaking colleague looked at what I had pointed at and said, “Hey, this says “sales tax included” in French”. Needless to say, I was in no mood to drink any wine anymore and managed with my glass of water.

And as always, my final thought, this time by Al Gore, “Airline travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport picture”.

Travel titbits

My job takes me to all kinds of interesting places on earth. Recently, I traveled to 4 “happening” places in Canada in 4 days – Saskatoon, Calgary, Edmonton, and Winnipeg. Together, they belong to the cluster of cities where the slogan should be, “Welcome to ---- (insert the name of the city here), where fun comes to die.” I guess my trip would be equivalent to my lovely sister-in-law-cum-a-world-traveler-wannabe, Kanya Bahwa (a typical Delhite) visiting 4 super cool places – Bhubaneswar (Orissa), Allahabad (UP), Jabalpur (MP), and Guntur (AP) in India, which, by the way, will be a feat itself if she can logistically manage to get to all 4 of them in 4 days.

They say that you learn a great deal just by traveling. I, on the other hand, do not normally learn a thing…. I just observe. For example, in Saskatoon, since we had back-to-back meetings with clients throughout the day, the only lunch we could grab was a quick Subway sandwich. When I entered the store, I saw a sign publicizing their party catering services. At the bottom of the promotion, it said, “For details, please see one of your Subway Sandwich Artists®.”  Really? Sandwich Artist®? There was a time in the history of humanity when people, such as Picasso, Leonardo da Vinci etc. were known as artists. Never in their wildest dreams could these artists have imagined that someday down the road, a high school dropout from a sandwich joint will also be known as an “artist”. What is next? The guy collecting toll at NJ Turnpike will now be known as a “toll artist”? I have already started calling the janitor in our building a “cleanliness artist”. She does smile every time I say that to her.

Since I have “paid my dues” with a significant amount of travel in the last 9 years, the airlines now at least treat me with upgrades and nicer seats. However, it was not this way when I started traveling in 2004 with my consulting job.  Since I did not have any “status” with United Airlines, I used to fly coach every week.  I remember once when I was checking-in on an EasyCheckIn® kiosk for a Chicago-LA flight, a message popped up on the screen asking me if I wanted to upgrade to the Economy Plus for $30 which would give me 5 extra inches of legroom.  I was in a hurry to get the boarding pass and get through security so I did not buy that option.  While waiting to board, I thought some more about the option and realized that I could definitely use a couple of extra inches of legroom because it was a long flight. So, I went to the counter at the gate and had the following conversation with the friendly lady behind the counter (who was not that friendly by the time I was done with the conversation):

Lady: How may I help you, Sir?

Me: I have already checked in at the kiosk but now I would like to upgrade.

Lady:  We have no upgrades to the first class available at this time because this flight is full.

Me:  No, I am not asking for the upgrade to the first class. I just need 3 extra inches of legroom. Here is the fee (I handed over exact change for $18).

Lady: Excuse me? What is this?

Me: I saw this message on the kiosk that I could buy 5” of extra legroom for $30 in Economy Plus but I need only 3” so I am paying $18.

Now not-so-friendly Lady: Can I see your boarding pass?

I handed her my boarding pass and she printed another one for me.

Me: Ma’m, my seat was 22C, now it says 37S. Economy Plus is in the front of the plane, not in the back. And, by the way, how many rows does this plane have?

Lady: 36

Me: What? Then what is 37S? And I have never seen an “S” in any seat number. Even on wide-body, dual-aisle planes, I have seen may be a “K” but never an “S”.

Lady: After row 36, outside the bathroom, we will give you a Stool (and hence the letter “S”) to sit on so you will get your extra 3 inches of leg room. In fact, you will get many more inches of space around you but I won’t charge you for that.

Needless to say, I pleaded her to put me back into my original seat 22C.

On another note, thank God that the US government is open for business once again after a 2 week shut down otherwise more and more government services would have got impacted. After shutting down all non-essential services, if the government still had not received any money from the US Congress (which, by the way, now has an approval rating of 5%.....if you can still call it an “approval” rating), it would have been forced to shut down some of the critical services. And I heard that the air traffic control was next on the list. Whenever that happens, all air traffic will then be controlled manually by all pilots…just like the road traffic in India is controlled by all drivers without any interference from any authorities (at least in smaller towns, such as my hometown, where in a town of 383,318 people (per 2011 census), there is only ONE traffic light, which everyone ignores most of the time).

Since my wife, Anshu was a little stressed out about a chance of me traveling to the US amid the potential air traffic control shutdown (when the air traffic would look like the road traffic in India), I had to get some statistics to put her mind at ease. When we started researching the internet, on the surface, it appeared that India had one of the worst fatalities rate in road accidents (100 deaths per year per 100,000 motor vehicles compared to 15 in the US and 13 in Canada). However, I had to remind her that the denominator here was “per 100,000 motor vehicles” and that is why the statistics looked offal. When you convert the same stats with a different denominator, for example, “per 100,000 moving objects (including but not limited to, cars, scooters, buses, trucks, Kiddo Bahwa’s car, cows, kids, rickshaws, bullock carts, 3-wheelers, horse carriages, dogs, auto-rickshaws, pigs, bulldozers, motor cycles, bicycles, tricycles etc. etc.)”, it does not look that bad. So she is quite comfortable now.

After walking through jet bridges hundreds of time in a typical year, I have memorized all slogans on HSBC billboards predicting the future of humanity. I always wonder how a commercial bank knows that, “Your DNA will be your data”, “Even the smallest businesses will be multinational”, “You will quench your thirst with salt water” etc. etc.  So the other day I called them just to see how good they are with their stuff. The conversation went something like this:

HSBC Rep: Thank you for calling the HSBC bank. How may I help you?

Me: Hi, I would like to know the gold price on Chicago Mercantile Exchange on 2^nd of October, 2014.

Rep: Excuse me?

Me: This is HSBC bank, right?

Rep: Yes Sir.

Me: You have these billboards at every airport in the world with slogans, such as, “Exports will not be transported but rather transmitted” and “Your education will be your best investment” etc., right?

Rep: Absolutely. We are proud of those, Sir.

Me: Great. So, it means that you have a freaking crystal ball in your office which tells you exactly how the world is going to shape up in the future. So why can’t you tell me the gold prices in the future? My wife’s crazy sister, Kiddo Bahwa, is a sucker for gold jewelry and buys gold on “special” occasions, such as 2^nd of October, 12^th of September etc. It will really help her if she can plan these purchases.

And suddenly I heard a dial tone. The phone had been disconnected. Go figure!

And as always, my final thought (this time a travel quote courtesy Henry Youngman, a great Philosopher): “Just got back from a pleasure trip: I dropped my mother-in-law at the airport”.

European Adventures - The Saga Continues

Well, before I get to the sequel of my previous blog on our European trip, I need to address some hate mail I received after publishing that post.  Many of the readers in US/Canada called me a liar saying that they have known my wife, Anshu, for a long time, and hence they know that she does not have a real sister, called Kiddo. Well, the only thing I will say is that, yes, you are “biologically” right……but I am also “technically” right. Now, the next logical question will be – so what does this mean? Does Anshu have a real sister with a slightly strange name Kiddo Bahwa or not? The only thing I am allowed (by Anshu and Kiddo) to say is that “it is complicated.”  Anshu and Kiddo were born in different families but for all practical purposes behave as twins, who are 3 years apart (Kiddo being 3 years older, even though she claims to be 3 years younger and behaves as if she were 16 years younger…and hence earned the name Kiddo). You ask, “How is that possible?”  Trust me, if I try to explain it, I will have to write so much that it will probably take around 5-10 zettabytes (ZB) of data. Just to put things in perspective – zetta is 10²¹ so 1 zettabyte is 1 billion terabytes.  And you thought that terabyte (which is 1000 GB) was a lot of data.

In fact, the only place on earth that is using this much data (around 5 ZB) is the Intelligence Community Comprehensive National Cybersecurity Initiative Data Center in Utah. You obviously need that kind of data if you are listening to every single conversation 314 million Americans have every day. And if I look at the conversations Anshu and Kiddo have on a daily basis, I am sure they amount to almost to that level, give or take 1 ZB. Since access to this kind of server is not feasible for a mortal like me, I attempted to write a book on the intricacies of Anshu’s and Kiddo’s relationship but it turned out to be pretty impractical because by the time I was done with just the Volume 1, it looked a little thicker than a typical book (picture below). And hence I gave up the idea and surrendered to my fate that I will never be able to neither comprehend nor explain the relationship between Anshu and Kiddo.

Another reader from Baluchistan confronted me by saying that the suggestion of naming the royal baby Amar Akbar Anthony was ridiculous because those were 3 different people in the movie, not one single person. It is a different matter that in our conversation we moved quickly from the royal baby’s name to Baluchistan’s latest trends in women fashion. Turns out that Versace burqa has taken over as the most popular burqa in the province after dethroning Gucci.  In any case, I actually agree with this girl from Baluchistan that my friend Sami’s idea was, in fact, ridiculous. I have a better idea – how about John Jani Janardan? That for sure was one person’s name in the Hindi flick, Naseeb. If you like this name, great, thanks.  If you do not…it was actually my friend, Maneet’s idea.

Then my lovely sis-in-law-cum-my-biggest-critic, Kanya Bahwa posts a comment on the previous blog accusing me of being insensitive to the women’s disease (Compulsive Buying Disorder). She also threatens me that the National Commission of Women is coming to get me.  Her accusations and threats are wrong at multiple levels. First of all, before anyone raises such a hue and cry about me being insensitive to CBD, she should think about how girls are insensitive to some of men’s serious diseases, such as ADD (no, not the Attention Deficit Disorder but Alcohol Desire Disorder), STD (no, not the regular STD but Sports Tenderness Disorder), and COPD (no, not Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder but Checking Out Princesses Disorder) etc.  If I start writing about how some girls do not commiserate with men’s disease, I will need another 4-5 ZB of data.

And, by the way, Kanya, I am not worried about the National Commission of Women going to come after me because it is the same organization, which during my trip to India last year honored me at their annual national convention at Delhi’s Centerstage Mall. They felicitated me as a crusader of women’s rights and bestowed upon me the introductory award for “the most knowledgeable guy in women fashion”.  On a related note, unfortunately, after the award function, there was a stampede in the mall when 523 women from the convention, with most of them suffering from the CBD, stormed the stores and crushed 23 store workers to serious injuries who came in their way.  Obviously, the credit for my unparalleled knowledge on the topics of mascara, eye-liners, nail paint, what is IN, what is OUT etc. goes to my enthusiastic participation in intense fashion discussions between Anshu and Kiddo (one of them actually lasted 4.5 hours on a video call). So during the ceremony, I did the right thing and dedicated my award to Anshu and Kiddo.  I am sure that there are many other guys who know this stuff but they are not as courageous as I am to come forward and admit it, making it pretty easy for me to win the award.

Coming back to our Europe trip, after Paris, our next stop was Switzerland. I liked everything about this country, except its vast train network. The biggest issue with this train system is that it is always on time. Growing up in India, I am not used to this kind of punctuality so on the first day we almost missed our train from Zurich to Luzern. As soon as all 4 of us got into the train, the doors closed and the train started moving. And I started thinking that if we had missed the train, it would have been our own version of the Hindi flick Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ) – except that in the movie, the hero and heroine were not married with two kids, and they were stuck in a tiny town with no more trains that day, (whereas, there is a train every 30 min from Zurich to Luzern), and the hero (Shahrukh Khan) was much better looking than I am….so on second thought, I guess if we had missed the train, it would NOT have been our own version of DDLJ….we would have simply taken the next train 30 minutes later.

The best part of Luzern was a trip to the top of Mt. Pilatus by the world’s highest and steepest cog train. This train system is a true engineering marvel and passes through some of the most scenic surroundings I have seen in my life. The view from the top was mesmerizing and standing at the top of the mountain, looking down, in one of those philosophical moments, I started wondering, “Why, in the world, Anshu and Kiddo prefer to eat pani poori  from a street vendor in New Delhi, rather than from a reputed joint such as Haldiram’s?”  I guess some critical questions in life remain unanswered.

And as always, my final thought: The most beautiful relationship is with someone who knows all of your insecurities and imperfections and still loves you the same…..as defined by Anshu and Kiddo.

European Adventures

This year out of several choices for our summer vacation, we picked Europe because we really wanted to help its struggling economy (yeah, right). And when it came to picking countries for our excursion, we decided on UK, France and Switzerland for a super important reason – my wife, Anshu, who last year was diagnosed with CBD (Compulsive Buying Disorder) wanted to shop in 3 different countries with 3 different currencies. Her specialist told us that it is normal for people suffering from CBD to have a strong urge to shop in multiple currencies so living in Canada and spending in just USD and CAD may not be enough for her. In case you are wondering about the seriousness of this disease, it is found in 5.8% of the US population (Source: Wikipedia) and approximately 80% of those affected are female (and who are these 20% idiots who are giving us men a bad name by being a part of this group).

Let me also caution readers that this disease is contagious so you need to be very careful when you are in the vicinity of a person suffering from the CBD. In fact, that is how Anshu got this disease. Last year for the first time in our married life she went to India for 5 weeks (because she always worked full time before so never had that much vacation) and out of those 5 weeks, she was there without me for more than 2 weeks. That is when she spent a lot of time with her darling sister, Kiddo Bahwa, who has been suffering from this disease for 4 years now and contracted it from her. Earlier this year in March, when Kiddo had a severe attack of CBD, her husband had to fly her all the way to Dubai so that she could shop in UAE Dirhams. Same way in 2011, Kiddo visited us in Chicago to satisfy her quench to spend in the USD. Many stores in the Woodfield Mall still have her picture on the wall to commemorate her as the biggest spender of the day when she visited them. (BTW, Wish you a very happy birthday, Kiddo Middo. May God bless you with all the happiness of this world!!!!)

Anyway, coming back to our Europe trip, when we landed in London (as in UK, not London, Ontario), there was a lot of excitement in the air about the royal baby. In fact, just a few days before we arrived there, the royals had announced the name of the baby – George Alexander Louis, which I found a very boring and an old-fashioned name. Come on Royals – this is 21^st century…GAL? Really? First of all, I do not understand why in the world someone needs 3 names??  Thank God this kid will not attend a regular elementary school otherwise I could visualize him receiving wedgies in the bathroom every other day just because his name is George Alexander Louis. And, in any case, we are living in a global, diverse, cosmopolitan world where a pure Anglo-Saxon, old-fashioned name does not cut it anymore. If they really wanted 3 names, my friend Sami had a great suggestion – why not call him Amar Akbar Anthony? What could be more diverse than that? As much as we wanted to see this baby (and I am sure Royals would have loved a visit by the Arora family as well), we simply could not fit him in our packed itinerary in London.

For my Harry Potter obsessed family, the highlight of the London trip was a visit to the Harry Potter museum, which, coincidently, was the lowlight of my trip. We took a special bus from the center city to travel to the Warners Bros. Studios. As much as I did not want to be seen to be doing anything related to Harry Potter, the bus itself was painted on both sides with large pictures of Harry Potter and other clowns in the Harry Potter saga. Thank God that it had tinted windows and the visibility was poor due to the London rain so no one on the street could see me in the bus.  The studio tour took a very long, four boring hours but thankfully they had free WiFi there so my iPad was my only savior.

After suffering through the first 90 minutes of the tour, we reached an area where you can buy snacks. I was relieved when I saw a sign for “butter beer” and ordered a large one. As soon as I took the first sip, I spit it out because of the horrible taste of whatever they were selling in the name of beer. I asked the guy what (the hell) that drink was and he said it was the butter beer. I said, “Dude, I can read the sign so I know that it is butter beer, but where (the hell) is beer in it? What is it made of anyway?”  He replied coolly, “Oh! Cream soda with whipped cream.”  “Whipped Cream??”, I yelled. I really wanted to whip his rear-end but Nyle was afraid that my aggression may result in us getting expelled from the museum (which would have been great for me but would have broken his heart) so I decided to simply drain this so called “butter beer” down the drain and file a claim for a refund. I am still waiting for my check (I guess it will be called a “cheque” if it comes from the UK).

Our next stop was Paris where we knew that language will be a hurdle in our dealings with the natives but I was counting on my son, Nyle to use his recently acquired French skills to communicate on our behalf. Some of you may remember that after moving to Canada last year, I did take private lessons in French for 6 months but then realized that learning a new language after turning 40 is as difficult as it is for the Bollywood director, Rohit Shetty to make any sensible movie.

That way I am glad that I did not go to watch Rohit Shetty’s latest flick, Chennai Express but I could not stop my family from making this blunder. They took advantage of my business travel to go and waste an afternoon on this idiotic movie. And they did it even though we are still waiting for our refund from last year’s “Bol Bachchan”. Not only I requested a refund of $57 that we spent on the movie (Kush will never watch a movie without a big tub of popcorn and a bucket size soda that they sell in theatres), I also filed a lawsuit for an undisclosed amount for my mental anguish after watching that movie. My next court hearing is on November 31^st. I will let you know how it went after my date with the judge (no, not that kind of date…I am happily married).

When I was discussing the ultra-low quality of Rohit’s movies with my lovely sis-in-law-cum-my-movie-advisor, Kanya Bahwa, she reminded me that Rohit also made ‘Singham” which was not as ludicrous as the rest of his movies. In that case, let me rephrase my statement – After 6 months of French lessons, I realized that learning French when you are on the wrong side of 40 is as difficult as it was for Dada Kondke to make any sensible movies. And those of you Gen Yers and Gen Z++ers, who may not know who Dada Kondke was, just google him and you will know what I am talking about. And no, I did not watch any of his movies because of the interesting title names he picked.

Let us get back to Paris and French. One time we were very close to the Notre Dame church but still could not find it so I sent Nyle to ask a French gentleman and get directions. Nyle approached the guy and asked, “Où est Notre Dame?” in French, and the guy replied in English, “Oh, you just make a left at the next intersection, go a block and you will see it on your left.” So much for using Nyle’s French skills to communicate with the natives…

So what is common between the royal baby, Rohit Shetty, Harry Potter, Dada Kondke, and Europe – Nothing….. and that is why it is called a column about nothing!!

Coming Up: More stories from the Europe trip (especially Switzerland).

And as always, my final thought: Hats off to Bhasins for their gracious hospitality in London. Without you guys, we would have been lost in London (as we were in Switzerland and France).

Generation Z++

So when I wrote about the Millennials (aka Gen Y, aka the rotten generation) a few weeks ago, my lovely sis-in-law-cum-always-a-whiner, Kanya Bahwa, protested that I was singling out her generation to have some fun in my blog. Therefore, this time I have decided to highlight another generation – no, not my generation….there is nothing cool or funny about Gen X. The generation I am talking about is the next generation right after Millennials.  Logically, after Gen X and Gen Y, the next one should be named Gen Z but I think calling them just Z does not do any justice to this tech-savvy, super-smart, and hyper-active generation.

Talking about tech-savvy and super-smart… last year we were visiting our friends, Sunil/Pallavi in NYC and at that time their daughter, Cyra was only 1.5 years old but was very proficient with Pallavi’s iPhone.  One evening Pallavi was on her phone, and Cyra was crying hard to get the phone so I gave her my Blackberry to calm her down. She took it with a cute smile, swiped her tiny finger on the screen…and nothing happened. She tried again a couple of times thinking this dude seems slow so may be his phone is also not as fast as my Mamma’s phone. However, after a couple of trials, when she realized that nothing was happening, she returned the phone to me with a facial expression, which clearly said, “Here is your silly phone back to you. Now, tell me, Mr. Caveman, when is your tribe going to get some cool technology, such as my Mamma’s phone?” I hung my head in shame and could not face her the rest of the evening. Now I do carry an iPhone in addition to my blackberry just to avoid those kinds of embarrassing situations with Gen Z++ers.

Obviously, the silver lining in this cloud was that in this whole phone exchange process, Cyra somehow forgot that she had been crying for her mamma’s phone.  For the next several hours, she had a very pensive, though somewhat amused, look. I am sure she was thinking that her problems were nothing compared to the issues people have in their lives. Her thought process probably was, ‘take this dude….on the surface, he appears to be alright from an IQ standpoint but look at his choice of technology. Wonder if he has monetary issues…. or what if he actually is nowhere close to as smart as he thinks he is.’ In any case, due to this all-encompassing pity, Cyra overcompensated me by letting me feed her all of her meals for the remainder of our stay…which is always the best part of visiting Sunil/Pallavi.

We have 2 sample of this generation at our home though it is only the younger one (my 8-year old son, Kush) who truly represents the characteristics of this generation. Just like Cyra, he is also quite a tech-savvy kid though he overuses his creativity and hence gets crazy results most of the times. Recently, he wanted to copy his elder brother, Nyle, and have his own e-mail address. I showed him the gmail website:

Me: So, Kush, for your e-mail account, you need to think about a user name and a password. Read the instructions carefully for a password because your password should be very secure so that no one can get into your account. First, can you think of a user name for you?

Kush: Of course. My user name should be Kush-is-king.

Me: Hey, that is not a humble user name.

Kush: Nowhere on these instructions they talk about the user name being humble.

Me: I guess you have a point. Anyway, read the instructions about the password and let me know what you want as a password.

Kush: I read them and my password should be rama-lakshamana-spiderman-sita-hanuman-delhi

Me: What?? Really? But why?

Kush: Dadda, it clearly says, your password should have 5 characters, including one special character, and a capital.

Me: Speechless.

When Kush was 6 years old in 1^st grade in Chicago, I had the following conversation with his teacher in one of his PTA meetings:

Me: So, how is Kush doing in his class?

Teacher: Well, Kush is Kush.

Me: What is that supposed to mean?

Teacher: He is a very different kid. Last week, I gave a writing assignment to all kids, which started as “How to make a…” and their job was to complete the paragraph describing something they know how to make.

Me: Ok, then what happened?

Teacher: So kids had a wide variety of responses describing how to make normal things, for example, “how to make a sandwich” or “how to make a paper-boat” or “how to make a nuclear bomb” (no, just kidding. First graders do not know how to make nuclear bombs…only second graders do).

Me: And what did Kush write?

Teacher: Here you go.

With that she handed me a sheet of paper where Kush described “how to make a”…yeah you accurately guessed it.. “Rainbow”.  It said, “First you collect 7 colors and you mix them, add some shine to them, spread them out, and throw them in the air and you will have a beautiful rainbow.” The problem is that the economic viability of such an enterprise, if Kush really wants to convert this “hobby” of making rainbows into an entrepreneurial adventure is not very good.

Though coming to think of it, I have seen some other weird entrepreneurial ideas…though not from Gen Z++ kids but from the students of the Kellogg School of Management. When I was at Chicago Booth, I was visiting one of my Kellogg friends and he told me that many students that week had just participated in a New Venture Challenge. When I looked at covers of some of the final reports, I was amused by their entrepreneurial ideas, such as “windshield wipers for submarines” or a “instant solar-powered flash light” that can help you navigate your way around during power cuts in Mansarovar Garden, Delhi (I found out that the Kellogg girl who came up with the idea was from Paschim Vihar, Delhi…wonder if there is any rivalry between these 2 places in Delhi).

If you need a few more crazy ideas like these, I do have a long list from the Kellogg report but I do not want to give away everything at one time.  My advice to those of you who actually are planning to start a company based on these Kellogg ideas is that you should not neglect the importance of raising capital for a new venture.  In that arena, I have a brilliant idea – get in touch with some of the rich, but not so financially savvy, Kellogg alumni (we all know about their lack of quantitative skills) and then all you have to do is to sell zero-coupon perpetuity bonds to them.  You will be able to raise a lot of money and they will never be able to figure out what hit them.

And, as always, my final thought: Congratulations Kanya Bahwa on starting a bidding war for you in the world of e-commerce (no pun intended). Told you before your interviews started that you would be a “hot” commodity (no pun intended) so now you see what I meant. Good luck with the new job!!