Spams "R" Us

Well, we are only a few days away from the end of the world so I want to make sure that I squeeze in one more blog before that happens….not really sure about the iPad or broadband situation in hell (I tried to google for a “hot”line with information on amenities in hell but no luck) so why take a chance.  If we all (especially me) survive the anticipated cataclysmic events on December 21, 2012, when the 5,125 year-long Mayan calendar ends, I will be back with a Christmas special. If the world actually ends on that fateful day, the bright side is that we will not have to worry about the impending financial cliff in the US (I am sure President Obama and the House Speaker Boehner are counting on the world to end….nothing else can explain a complete lack of progress so far). And obviously, I have been very thoughtful in picking the topic for this possibly last blog of my life – SPAMS.

As starters, I would like to share some good news and some bad news. Let me start with the good news. Thank God, I did not turn in my resignation based on this e-mail from Nigeria a few weeks ago and I am still gainfully employed. The bad news is that this whole Nigeria thing turned out to be some kind of scam. If you recall from my blog of Nov 19, I was expecting an obscene amount of money to be transferred from this attractive African widow’s account to my Bank of America account (still do not know if she is attractive or not and I guess we will never find out but I am still sticking to my story…. Angelina Jolie is also a mom of several African kids, so why couldn’t this woman be attractive?).

Well, it now appears that she was not very truthful about her whole situation (her husband dying and leaving all this money for her etc. etc.). And at this stage, it is quite possible that she may not even have a husband because she herself may actually be a man, who under the name of Mrs. Choubatou has been fleecing gullible souls like me. Coming to think of it, as a man, he may still have a “husband” but let us not get there because it is quite outside the scope of this blog…….as my lovely sis-in-law-cum-my-inspiration-for-this-blog-cum-my-fashion-adviser Kanya Bahwa (so now if my socks do not match with my pants, or worse, not even with each other, do not blame me but blame Kanya because she convinced me that this was the latest fashion trend in Kandahar, which she claims is the fashion capital of Afghanistan….Kabul being the suicide-bombing capital) told me yesterday that, according to her market research, there are now several kids who are hooked to this blog so I need to be careful about what I write…will not be appropriate if these kids learn some of this super-important “stuff” from my PG-14 blog much before their parents have had a chance to conduct the ‘birds and bees’ talk with them.

But wait…should I even trust what Kanya says these days because she also told me in the same conversation that she had recently been inducted into the Guinness book of World Records for carrying the largest number of corporate titles (per my blog of Nov 19, she had 10 titles). Here is the soul-less narcissism at its peak…. on the other hand, it is also possible that she may have taken a large accidental overdose of prescription medication or may have smoked something by mistake so let us cut her some slack and move on. In any case, let Santa decide if she has been nice or naughty this year.

Coming back to e-mail scams, according to one estimate, there are 94 billion UBEs sent out around the world every single day (Source: American Journal of Agriculture and Scientology, circa 1943). In case you are wondering, UBE stands for Unsolicited Bulk E-mail, also known as, Spam or simply “junk” mail. This has become a huge problem around the world but the good news is that finally a rigorous study conducted at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management has offered some hope to tackle with this growing menace.  Researchers at Kellogg have concluded that this large 94 billion number can easily be cut into half if we all take some simple measures, such as, divide it by 2 (Well, I am from Chicago Booth….. what can I say?). In the press conference, when reporters started asking some tough questions about this study, researchers broke into 2 groups and danced to the tunes of Gangnam Style for 2 hours….though there were no sexy ladies to accompany them (they all go to Booth). That reminds me…..when my 7-year-old son Kush heard the song for the first time a few weeks ago, he asked me what the word “sexy lady” meant….I still have not figured out a way to explain. I guess he is too young for a ‘bird and bee’ talk. Any other ideas?

And as with anything else, there are definitely some advantages of this cyber space manipulation as well. For example, I believe that when it comes to cheating on their wives, this whole General Petraeus saga will act as a deterrent for men around the world. If the head of the CIA, the most clandestine organization in the history of mankind (or should I say the history of “person”kind before my ladies friends start calling me a sexist) could not keep his e-mails secret, what chance does a regular Joe have? And then there is no better source than the cyber space if one wants to entertain offers to make s - - tloads of money by working from home (I do not need that), or a hot date tonight (I definitely do not need that), or obtain an uninterrupted supply of Viagra (no comment). Of course, there are also some bombs out there, such as offers to enhance the size of one’s manhood (I am still waiting for my refund).

Nonetheless, as I said before, I am glad that I did not quit my day job in anticipation of this inheritance. But then a great philosopher of 21^st century (last name Arora) once said, “You need the inner peace, not a glamorous job to be happy.”  By following a simple advice I read somewhere, I have finally found my inner peace. The advice was: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So, this afternoon, I looked around to see all the things I had started but not finished.  And finally, I have finished off a bottle of vodka, a bottle of Johnnie Walker, my Prozac, a bottle of red wine, a large box of chocolates, and 2 liters of Stella Artois beer......you have no idea how good I feel now…..completely at peace with myself!

Happy Holidays!!

PS: I personally do not believe that the world will end in 2012 because dyslexic people would survive for another 90 years. Think about it.

And my final thought: Indifference and neglect cause more damage to a relationship than outright dislike.