European Adventures - The Saga Continues

Well, before I get to the sequel of my previous blog on our European trip, I need to address some hate mail I received after publishing that post.  Many of the readers in US/Canada called me a liar saying that they have known my wife, Anshu, for a long time, and hence they know that she does not have a real sister, called Kiddo. Well, the only thing I will say is that, yes, you are “biologically” right……but I am also “technically” right. Now, the next logical question will be – so what does this mean? Does Anshu have a real sister with a slightly strange name Kiddo Bahwa or not? The only thing I am allowed (by Anshu and Kiddo) to say is that “it is complicated.”  Anshu and Kiddo were born in different families but for all practical purposes behave as twins, who are 3 years apart (Kiddo being 3 years older, even though she claims to be 3 years younger and behaves as if she were 16 years younger…and hence earned the name Kiddo). You ask, “How is that possible?”  Trust me, if I try to explain it, I will have to write so much that it will probably take around 5-10 zettabytes (ZB) of data. Just to put things in perspective – zetta is 10²¹ so 1 zettabyte is 1 billion terabytes.  And you thought that terabyte (which is 1000 GB) was a lot of data.

In fact, the only place on earth that is using this much data (around 5 ZB) is the Intelligence Community Comprehensive National Cybersecurity Initiative Data Center in Utah. You obviously need that kind of data if you are listening to every single conversation 314 million Americans have every day. And if I look at the conversations Anshu and Kiddo have on a daily basis, I am sure they amount to almost to that level, give or take 1 ZB. Since access to this kind of server is not feasible for a mortal like me, I attempted to write a book on the intricacies of Anshu’s and Kiddo’s relationship but it turned out to be pretty impractical because by the time I was done with just the Volume 1, it looked a little thicker than a typical book (picture below). And hence I gave up the idea and surrendered to my fate that I will never be able to neither comprehend nor explain the relationship between Anshu and Kiddo.

Another reader from Baluchistan confronted me by saying that the suggestion of naming the royal baby Amar Akbar Anthony was ridiculous because those were 3 different people in the movie, not one single person. It is a different matter that in our conversation we moved quickly from the royal baby’s name to Baluchistan’s latest trends in women fashion. Turns out that Versace burqa has taken over as the most popular burqa in the province after dethroning Gucci.  In any case, I actually agree with this girl from Baluchistan that my friend Sami’s idea was, in fact, ridiculous. I have a better idea – how about John Jani Janardan? That for sure was one person’s name in the Hindi flick, Naseeb. If you like this name, great, thanks.  If you do not…it was actually my friend, Maneet’s idea.

Then my lovely sis-in-law-cum-my-biggest-critic, Kanya Bahwa posts a comment on the previous blog accusing me of being insensitive to the women’s disease (Compulsive Buying Disorder). She also threatens me that the National Commission of Women is coming to get me.  Her accusations and threats are wrong at multiple levels. First of all, before anyone raises such a hue and cry about me being insensitive to CBD, she should think about how girls are insensitive to some of men’s serious diseases, such as ADD (no, not the Attention Deficit Disorder but Alcohol Desire Disorder), STD (no, not the regular STD but Sports Tenderness Disorder), and COPD (no, not Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder but Checking Out Princesses Disorder) etc.  If I start writing about how some girls do not commiserate with men’s disease, I will need another 4-5 ZB of data.

And, by the way, Kanya, I am not worried about the National Commission of Women going to come after me because it is the same organization, which during my trip to India last year honored me at their annual national convention at Delhi’s Centerstage Mall. They felicitated me as a crusader of women’s rights and bestowed upon me the introductory award for “the most knowledgeable guy in women fashion”.  On a related note, unfortunately, after the award function, there was a stampede in the mall when 523 women from the convention, with most of them suffering from the CBD, stormed the stores and crushed 23 store workers to serious injuries who came in their way.  Obviously, the credit for my unparalleled knowledge on the topics of mascara, eye-liners, nail paint, what is IN, what is OUT etc. goes to my enthusiastic participation in intense fashion discussions between Anshu and Kiddo (one of them actually lasted 4.5 hours on a video call). So during the ceremony, I did the right thing and dedicated my award to Anshu and Kiddo.  I am sure that there are many other guys who know this stuff but they are not as courageous as I am to come forward and admit it, making it pretty easy for me to win the award.

Coming back to our Europe trip, after Paris, our next stop was Switzerland. I liked everything about this country, except its vast train network. The biggest issue with this train system is that it is always on time. Growing up in India, I am not used to this kind of punctuality so on the first day we almost missed our train from Zurich to Luzern. As soon as all 4 of us got into the train, the doors closed and the train started moving. And I started thinking that if we had missed the train, it would have been our own version of the Hindi flick Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ) – except that in the movie, the hero and heroine were not married with two kids, and they were stuck in a tiny town with no more trains that day, (whereas, there is a train every 30 min from Zurich to Luzern), and the hero (Shahrukh Khan) was much better looking than I am….so on second thought, I guess if we had missed the train, it would NOT have been our own version of DDLJ….we would have simply taken the next train 30 minutes later.

The best part of Luzern was a trip to the top of Mt. Pilatus by the world’s highest and steepest cog train. This train system is a true engineering marvel and passes through some of the most scenic surroundings I have seen in my life. The view from the top was mesmerizing and standing at the top of the mountain, looking down, in one of those philosophical moments, I started wondering, “Why, in the world, Anshu and Kiddo prefer to eat pani poori  from a street vendor in New Delhi, rather than from a reputed joint such as Haldiram’s?”  I guess some critical questions in life remain unanswered.

And as always, my final thought: The most beautiful relationship is with someone who knows all of your insecurities and imperfections and still loves you the same…..as defined by Anshu and Kiddo.