My Filmy Dunia

I guess those who know me also know that I am a movie buff. I always was. However, now since my son, Nyle also has got into Hindi movies, it is more fun to watch them together because we can laugh together at ALL Hindi movies (even the serious ones have so many holes in the plot that we end up laughing throughout the movie). For example, I do not think that the makers of “Dhoom 3” were promoting it as a comedy movie but when, during Christmas holidays, Nyle went to see it with us; he was pretty amused by some humorous situations in the movie:

• The Chicago police are so incompetent that in order to solve a few theft crimes, they have to bring two cops from Mumbai. And it is not that they invite the best and the brightest from the Indian police force. One of the guys they brought appears to have an IQ of a cabbage. And then they also bring Ali (Uday Chopra)
• These two guys come to Chicago and from the second day know the streets so well that they are chasing the bad guy on their own without anyone’s help. And the chase runs through the waterways as well.
• Even when they are fired and asked to leave, they decide to stay back. What exactly did they do with their visa?
• And when they make the decision to stay back, they are shown in front of a SBB train. Last I checked, SBB trains operated only in Switzerland.
• We visited the Six Flags amusement park many times when we lived in Chicago for almost 10 years. Therefore, I am pretty sure that they do not give remote controls to general public to operate rides the way Aamir Khan has when he ties Abhishek Bachchan to the track of the roller coaster.
• So, Aamir wants to kill Abhishek by tying him to the roller coaster but Abhishek escapes. Later on, when Aamir gets Abhishek nailed down on the underground street below Michigan Avenue where he could have killed him with the pipe he was carrying, he lets him go. Really?
• They show all major landmarks of Chicago (The Millennium Park, Field Museum, Opera House, Chicago river, The Tribune building etc. etc.), however, they do not show the most famous landmark – The “H2O” store on the Magnificent Mile (those of you who do not know why it is the most famous landmark of Chicago can ask Kiddo Bahwa by sending her an e-mail at kiddobahwa@crazyforshopping.iloveH2O.com).
• How did The Great Indian Circus qualify as a circus when all they did was to sing songs and dance? Shouldn’t it have been called the Great Indian Musical?
• Finally, in the penultimate scene, both Aamir Khans escape after getting cornered by these 2 cops at Navy Pier in Chicago. Abhishek tells the Chicago Police that next morning he wants extra force to finish both bad guys for once and all. Where do they meet next morning? At Contra Dam in Switzerland. God Bless Bollywood.

Another movie we saw during the holidays was Krish 3. Nyle had already seen “Koi Mil Gaya” and “Krish” so based on how Krish 3 ended (the baby disappeared) and how Rakesh Roshan has named the  movies in this series, Nyle predicted the names of the next 2 sequels  – “Koi Kho Gaya” and “Roh 5”. Send me a note if you want to understand the logic behind these names.

Since Nyle is now into Hindi movies and songs and also attends lots of Desi parties with us, he recently had a very good observation. We were coming back from a Desi party where one of our friends sang some Hindi songs for all of us. If you are a Desi and you live in North America, I am sure you have been to many of these parties where someone is a “good” singer. Then his/her friends plead him/her to sing a song or two. For me, this used to be a pretty innocuous thing until Nyle pointed it out by saying, “You know, there is a reason why there are these playback signers for Bollywood stars…. because not everyone can sing well. If these people really wanted to listen to a song, they could have just turned on You Tube and played the song rather than asking someone to sing it for them.” 

I agree. I experienced this phenomenon when I came to Lehigh as a graduate student and met a fellow student, Vinay who is a very “good” singer. Vinay now is a close friend and has entertained us a lot in the last 20+ years. However, if I think about Nyle’s observation and extend the argument, I would say that if people can sing in these kinds of get-togethers, why can’t they reenact the movie scenes?? Isn’t it the same thing? This summer, we “Lehigh” friends are going to have a get together and I think it would be great if Vinay and Sami can reenact the following scene from the Hindi movie “Deewar” for all of us. For their convenience, I have already worked on the script. They just have to act it out. The script here is in English but obviously I am expecting them to converse in Hindi.

Location: Lehigh’s Mountaintop Campus, under the Iacocca Hall Bridge (pic below)

Vinay: Sami, we started our professional lives from this same Mountaintop campus running experiments in the Emulsion Polymers Institute. But look where you live now and where I do. Why don’t you move to the Greater New York area?

Sami: No, I am happy living in Cleveland. 

Vinay: You have no idea how bad it can be if you continue to live in Cleveland.

Sami: Living in Cleveland MAY lead to bad things. However, living in Greater NY area leads ONLY to bad things.

Vinay: What do you have against New York? Why won’t you move there?

Sami: My principles and my ideals won’t allow it.

Vinay: Uff, your principles and your ideals. What is the use of these principles and ideals? If you knead them together, you can’t even make enough raw material for one experiment. What has Cleveland given you? Crumbling infrastructure, lake effect snow, bone-numbing temperatures and Cleveland Browns??? Look at NY area. We have the Empire State building, Time Square, Yankees, NY Giants. What do you have?

Sami: Mere paas maa hai (which actually is true because Sami is one of our very few friends who are fortunate enough to have their moms living with them)

As always, my final thought – I never believed in New Year resolutions but this year for a change, I decided to make some resolutions – No exercise, more drinking, less sleep, more junk food, and more stress. I know many of you must be struggling with your NY resolutions, so I do not mean to rub it off, but 28 days later, I am proud to say that so far I am doing really well on my resolutions. Yayyyy!

Mixed Christmas and a Happy New Year

I know, I know I am supposed to say Merry Christmas but since it was a mixed Christmas so that is what I am calling it. To start with, I was elated when Justin Bieber tweeted on Christmas Eve that he was retiring at the ripe age of 19. The tweet said, “My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring.” I could not “beliebe” my good luck that this obnoxious guy was actually retiring. Initially, I felt bad for millions of idiots around the world who were heartbroken by Justin’s tweet but I consoled myself by saying that these idiots will find another buffoon to worship when Justin is gone so no point in sympathizing with them. However, unfortunately for me, Bieber lost his senses next day when his agent, Scooter Braun (when you hire someone named, “Scooter” as your agent, you deserve to stay stupid), hit him hard on his head with a blunt object. Justin then reappeared on Twitter and dismissed his own claim with a follow-up post saying, “The media talks a lot about me. They make up a lot of lies and want me to fail but I am never leaving you, being a belieber is a lifestyle.”  I could not freaking “beliebe” it.  One thing I do not understand is – how can he blame the media for making up lies when he himself tweeted that he was officially retiring? But then what do you expect from a guy who has the same IQ as that of an eggplant?

This definitely was not a good Christmas for my 8-year-old son, Kush, as well. In the last few years, he has got into the habit of leaving a cute message for Santa (Courtesy Vonage) with his list of desired presents (mostly video games) and finding those presents under the tree on Christmas morning. This year again he left a message and was very confident that he would find what he was looking for when he came downstairs on Christmas morning. However, this year, my wife, Anshu, had a “special talk” with Santa and somehow the video games were replaced with some ice pop maker plus a recorder with a book on how to play it. This obviously ruined Kush’s Christmas.

Since he did not understand why this switcheroo happened, I had to make up a story for him. Every year Kush puts out milk/cookies for Santa and carrots for reindeers near the Christmas tree but this year he was pretty sleepy on the Christmas Eve so he delegated that task to me. So in the morning, after his Christmas presents fiasco, I told him that the previous night I was about to put out milk and cookies but at the last minute on a vcall, his aunt, Kiddo Bahwa, convinced me to spice things up and switch milk and cookies with a glass of vodka in orange juice along with some mixed nuts. And, lo and behold, the next morning the tall glass was empty and the nuts were gone. Since Santa got drunk, he obviously mixed up toys and left someone else’s toys at our home. Not sure if Kush bought my story but he did not get any better explanation from anyone else either.

However, it was not all bad news during this holiday season.  There were some happy moments as well….especially, for some potheads in Colorado (State Motto: “Forget Tennessee – We Have Our Own Version of Smoky Mountains) as it became the first US state to legalize recreational marijuana. Now, if Kush starts to poke holes in my Santa and vodka story, I have a back up story that goes like this: Santa started from the US West Coast and when he went through Colorado, he got carried away by all the euphoria in the state about the legal Marijuana and decided to try some before heading to Canada. By the time he got to Toronto, he was wasted and hence mixed up presents.

Arvind Kejriwal taking oath as Delhi’s new chief minister was another piece of good news though the news story describing his tweets about his diarrhea on the first day of job was a piece of sh-t (pun intended). In fact, everyone knows what kind of unusual bowel movements Rahul (Gandhi, not my brother-in-law) and Sonia must be having these days given their performance in assembly elections in 4 states. Apparently, their election strategy was written by the same guy who led the development of the Obamacare website.

Another happy moment during holidays was when my lovely sis-in-law-cum-a-certified-fashion-freak, Kanya Bahwa made it to live TV in India. She was one of the 3 chicks who received bridal make up tips from Ambika Pillai (who apparently is some kind of make-up Goddess in India) on some chick show. Those of you who know Kanya must be wondering how she qualified to appear on the show when she is not even engaged (those were my exact thoughts as well). When I enquired, Kanya told me that since she was actively looking for a suitable match and it was going to happen very soon anyway, she did not mind telling her version of the truth when her manager was searching for 3 eligible chicks among the staff to appear on this show. This is how the conversation went:

Manager: Kanya, I am sure you have already heard that we are looking for 3 girls to appear on the Ambika Pillai show. Obviously, we need girls who are about to get married. You are not engaged yet, right?

Kanya: yes, I am.

Manager: Really?? When did that happen?

Kanya: Err…Just yesterday. In fact, I was about to come to your office and tell you the news in person.

Manager: That is strange. Weren’t you in the office all day yesterday?

Kanya: Yes, I was but since the ring ceremony was in the evening, I did not want to miss work. You know how dedicated I am when it comes to working here.

Manager: Yeah, yeah. That is great. So what is his name?

Kanya: Whose name?

Manager: The guy you got engaged to. Who else?

Kanya: Right, Right. His name is err…Rizwan.

Manager: Oh! So he is a Muslim?

Kanya: Well, that is not his real name.

Manager: What is his real name then?

Kanya: Kundan

Manager: Hmmm. Interesting. So how many times have you seen Ranjhanna?

Kanya: Thirteen, but why do you ask?

Manager: Never mind. I guess you really want to be on the show so that is fine. See you at 9 tomorrow for the shoot.

As always, my final thought – “People treat New Year as some sort of life-changing event.  If your life sucked last year, it is still going to suck this year.”

Sholey Revisited - Once Again

Let us start from where we left off last time and continue to make Sholey’s plot a little more contemporary. 

Scene: Kaaliya and 2 other “extras” come to Ramgadh to get their monthly supply of food

Kaalia: Dhaulia, what have you brought today?

Dhaulia: Some wheat, sir.

Kaalia: Only this much? Have you kept the rest for the wedding party of your daughter’s wedding?

Dhaulia: Sir, what do I tell you about my daughter’s marriage plans? Where do I even start? So, she was dating this dude from Haripur she met at a dating website last year. He was a cool kid who would bring chocolates, cauliflowers, water melons etc. on dates. Then they broke up because he got hooked up with another chick from Meerapur. And the crazy part was that he broke up with her with a text message. Then my daughter started dating Ahmed but my wife hated the inter-faith hookup….

Kaalia: Stop, stop, stop. That is enough. Oh God! Why did I even ask the stupid question? So, Seetaram, what have you brought?

Seetram: Oatmeal, sir.

Kaalia: WTF. What is this oatmeal?

Seetaram: Sir, this is a good breakfast food…full of fiber and nutrients.

Kaalia: Why do you think we need fiber? Do we look constipated, you SOB?

Seetaram: No, Sir. But that is what I have.

Thankur (with his both hands tied tightly in the back to give the impression that he has no arms) enters the scene:

Thakur: Stop Dhaulia!!! Tell these dogs that they can no longer take food like this.

Kaaliya:  What do you mean we cannot take this food? From now on, are you going to FedEx our monthly supplies? If you do, make sure you use the next-day delivery option. Do not skimp on shipping charges otherwise Gabbar won’t be happy.

Thakur: Kaalia, raise your head and see the death standing at the top of the water tank. Leave now!!!

Scene: Gabbar pacing back and forth, whereas, Kaaliya and 2 other “extras” stand in front of him with their heads hung in shame:

Gabbar: How many of them were there?

Kaalia: Two, Sir.

Gabbar: Two… and you were three, even then you came back….. empty headed? Why were you so scared? Did you see Bahwa chicks – Kiddo and Kanya?

Kaalia: No, Sir. Luckily, Kiddo was out of town to visit a newly-opened beauty parlor in the neighboring village. And Kanya was out on a date with a guy named Pappu who she met at Shaadi.com.

Gabbar: Interesting….that Kiddo girl can never get enough of beauty parlor visits. Anyway, so no Bahwa girls but you were still scared. Arrey Oh Sambha!! What is the government’s reward on my head?

Sambha: Sir, 50 lakh rupees.

Gabbar: Did you hear that, Kaalia? 50 lakh rupees. Do you know why? It is because in a 50 mile radius from here, whenever kids wake up at night, their mother gives them an iPad to play angry birds on it until the kid goes back to sleep again.

Kaalia: Angry birds on iPad? But then what does that have to do with the 50 lakh rupees reward on your head?

Gabbar: Did I say that there would be a correlation between the two? Who do you think I am? A correlation algorithm writer for Google? Don’t you know that my entire education background consists of trying to read my own tattoos? In any case, you need to be punished. Let us play some Russian roulette.

Kaalia: Wow, are we going to Las Vegas?

Gabbar: No, you idiot. Arrey oh Sambha!!! Give me your gun!!!

Sambha hands over his big-ass automatic gun to Gabbar.

Gabbar: Wow, this is a monster gun. Where did you get it from?

Sambha: Amazon.com, Sir.

Gabbar: Oh, they sell guns now? May be I should check them out.

Sambha: Yes, they have added guns to their burgeoning portfolio. In fact, they are now adding pantry items also in order to go after Costco’s business.

Gabbar: They are becoming as omnipresent as Google. I think these two will take over the world soon.

Sambhar: Sir, how about punshing Kaalia and the other 2 idiots.

Gabbar (sheepishly): Oh yeah yeah. I forgot….I get distracted pretty easily. So, how many bullets does it have?

Sambha: Each magazine has 3500 bullets each, Sir.

Gabbar: Humm. 3500 bullets and 3 men. That is not fair. So have many extra bullets does it have? Damn! I cannot do that kind of math in my head. There goes my plan of playing my version of Russian roulette with these bastards….

Director Ramesh Sippy: Cut, Cut, Cut!!

As always, my final thought on the outcome of the Delhi elections: At the best of times, democracy is a seesaw between a tolerable confusion and complete chaos.

A (Kind of) Tribute to Bollywood

Lately, my US-born sons have started to watch some Bollywood flicks. And I am not particularly proud to report that the movies they have really liked so far belong to the Hindi movie category I call “do not dare use your brain…..at all” kind of movies. Examples include, “Bol Bachchan”, “Son of Sardar”, “Himmatwala” (new one), “Om Shanti Om”, etc.  So, last weekend I convinced my older son to watch the all time classic, “Sholey” so that he knows that there are also some great Hindi movies out there. After watching “Sholey”, he and I started to wonder how the movie will change if we touch up the plot in today’s environment. If some of it (or all of it) appears to be contrived…well, that was the intention anyway.

For example, this is how the first scene may pan out…

Scene: Jailor comes to visit Thakur at his home:

Jailor: Thakur Sahib, as soon as I received your e-mail, I took the next flight out. Is there something urgent that you wanted to discuss in person and not in an e-mail or over the phone?

Thankur: Yes Jailor Sahib. I wanted to see you in person because this is an extremely important assignment.

Jailor: We could have done a video call on Skype or Facebook. By the way, I have an iPhone now so you can always try Facetime with me.

Thakur: Alright, I get it. Anyway, I need you to find these 2 people (throws pictures of Jai and Veeru on the table).

Jailor: Oh, I know these petty criminals. They are Jai and Veeru.

Thakur: I know. I tried to find their Facebook profiles but they do not have any.

Jailor: Thakur Sahib, as you know, they spend most of their time in jail where WiFi is pretty patchy at best and hence updating their profiles would be almost impossible. That may explain why they do not have any FB profiles. Did you try to Google them or try to find them using other social media?

Thakur: Who do you think I am? Kanya Bahwa?

Jailor: Who is Kanya Bahwa?

Thakur: Some e-commerce enthusiast in New Delhi.

Jailor: Hmmm. One thing I do not understand is what kind of assignment you have that only these 2 can do for you? You know very well that they are criminals and good for nothing.

Thakur: Several years ago, this dacoit, Gabbar Singh killed my entire family. I have been living quietly after that… minding my own business. Now, I want to take revenge.

Jailor: Why suddenly now? After all these years??

Thakur: Well, if I do not take revenge, what will be the plot of this movie then? You do realize that you are in a movie as an extra, don’t you?

Jailor: Cool. By the way, in order to find Gabbar, you can also set up a website “FindGabbar.com” and post his pictures to raise awareness.

Thakur: What if the website keeps crashing like the Obamacare website? And who do you think can set up the website for me?

Jailor: Try this guy Skanda S. Balas. He is some kind of software architect. Also, you should write a blog to tell your story.

Thakur: I do not consider myself as a qualified person to write a blog.

Jailor: What do you mean you are not qualified??? Have you read some of the blogs these days? You should read “A Column About Nothing”… then you will know what I am talking about. People paddle all kind of BS in their blogs these days.

Thakur: Are you really a dimwit? Rather than suggesting this and that, can you focus on the script here? I want these 2 guys as soon as possible.

Jailor: ok, ok. Let me see what I can do. Lemme go and send some tweets to other jailors.

Scene: Thakur explains the assignment to  Jai and Veeru:

Veeru: So we have to catch Gabbar and that too alive?

Thakur: Yes.

Veeru: Thakur Sahib. Gabbar is not like the mayor of Toronto who passes out after a dose of crack cocaine and you go and catch him.

Thakur: I get it. That is why I am paying you this much money.

Jai: Thakur Sahib, let me ask you this. In your opinion, we are also crooks and criminals so why did you pick us for this task?

Thakur: Who else would you suggest?

Jai: Why not Rajnikant? Heard he can do anything.

Veeru: He even knows Victoria’s Secret.

Thakur: Have you heard the saying, “Iron cuts iron”?

Jai: No, I have not but it sounds pretty cheesy.

Thakur: You bet it does. But that is what it says in the script. Salim and Javed must be partying with Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto when they wrote such cheesy dialogues. So, apparently, iron cuts iron and that’s why you two are the right people to catch Gabbar for me.

Jai: Whatever rocks your boat, dude. You pony up the cash and we will do it for you.

Scene: Jai and Veeru get out of Ramgarh train station where Basanti is waiting with her tanga:

Basanti: Wasssup, guys. Would you like a ride? What are you looking at? Have you not seen a tanga before?

Veeru: Er….Er…

Basanti: Oh! So you must be wondering how come a girl is driving a tanga. Don’t chicks drive cars in cities?

Veeru: Of course they do. Not only that, even Kiddo Bahwa drives a car now. And you should see how she drives. When Kiddo is on the road, all rickshaw-pullers, street vendors, cyclists etc. flee the roads and take shelter in tornado-proof buildings. When she drives her Hyundai, she generates hurricane-level winds approaching 280 miles per hour, which knock down trees, electricity cables (and all the clothes which are hung to dry on those cables) or anything else that comes in Kiddo’s way.

Jai: Hey dude, isn’t Basanti supposed to do all the talking per the script?

Veeru: What are you talking about? When it comes to talking, Basanti is nothing compared to Kiddo Bahwa.

Jai: That I agree. Heard that Kiddo Bahwa can talk non-stop for hours. Isn’t she in Guinness Book of World Records already?

Veeru: You bet she is. She currently holds two records – the most dangerous driver on the streets of Delhi and the non-stop talker.

Basanti: Guys, guys, focus on the script here.

Director Ramesh Sippy: Cut Cut Cut!!!!!

To be continued…...

And as always, my final thought: “Roses are red, violets are blue, I am a schizophrenic and so am I” – Bill Murray in “What about Bob?”

Travel Titbits – A Few More Bits

So my last post regarding some of my travel experiences was greeted with rave reviews by critics all over the globe. Here are some of the samples (in the order I received them):

“A Masterpiece by Bobby Arora……he shows how you can travel all over the world but still do not learn a thing and stay dumb – Bob Soprano, New Jersey Times (wannabe New York Times)”

“Reading Bobby’s blogs is as painful as waxing but at least something good comes out when you are done with waxing – Kiddo Bahwa, a volunteer Beauty and Fashion Advisor to homeless women and a proud Candy Crusher, New Delhi, India”

“A humorist is a comedian who does not necessarily make you laugh. Mr. Arora is definitely a humorist because after reading his blog 23 times, I still did not find any reason even to smile….forget about a laugh. And what is his problem with Sandwich Artists, anyway? – Joseph Subway Hussain, North American Society of Sandwich Artists”

“Bobby Arora believes that there should always be a beginning, a middle, and an end in every story but not necessarily in that order. I rearranged all of his paragraphs multiple times but still could not get any order and could not make any sense – Kanya Bahwa, a self-proclaimed literary artist, who by the way is looking for a life partner who is intelligent, tall, handsome, sensitive, highly-educated, loving, and with a good sense of humor (Hmmmm….but the issue is that the Indian law does not allow a girl to marry 7 different guys)

“Being a Math genius, I did some quick math and realized that I have wasted 48 minutes 30 seconds of my life in the last one year reading 19 blogs by Bobby Arora (19 blogs x 2.5 min/blog + 1 minute to write this review). I could have utilized this time to play Wordament or watch reruns of Kohli’s innings against Australia – Skanda S. Balas, Software Architect (innovating at the speed of light), Math Genius, and a fierce critic of A Column About Nothing”

“Nice One – Deepa D.” (Enough said)

“Raanjhanaa is a wonderful movie. I have seen it 17 times already (16 of which in the opening weekend itself). Wait….what was the question again? What am I critiquing here? – Pallavi, a day time marketing executive and a night time Raanjhanaa watcher”

“There was a time when I used to look forward to Anshu’s e-mails announcing a new post on Bobby’s blog….. so that I could delete the e-mail right away. Now, I have set it up to automatically send these e-mails to the “junk/spam” folder – Maneet M. (last name withheld so that she does not end up in the witness protection program), President, Women Against Drunk Driving and Bobby’s Blog”

“I understand West Virgina’s per capita IQ is very low but where else can you find such abundance of natural beauty? – Meenu C./P. (Maiden/Married), a life-long WV supporter, when asked about her reaction to the rising prices of onions in India

“Rohit Sharma rocks and A Column About Nothing socks (I wanted to say “sucks” but that does not rhyme with rocks) – Rohit Sharma, on completing his century in his very first test innings against West Indies”

Obviously, after all these roaring reviews, it made perfect sense to write some more about my travel observations. Last week I was in Vancouver and visited a university. These days, with young kids doing all kinds of crazy stuff, universities all over North America have to provide mental health assistance. Nice idea but I was surprised about the execution. There were posters all over the campus asking questions, such as, “Are you depressed? Can you not focus on your studies? Do you suffer from an anxiety disorder?” and then the posters advised that the help was just one phone call away. The number to call? 1-800-SUICIDE. Really? Was it necessary to be so explicit? So, when a depressed soul may not even be thinking about suicide, the number will definitely spur the thought and may facilitate the process.

And I still laugh every time Air Canada invites me to “pre-board” as an elite member when they start the boarding process. What exactly is pre-boarding? Am I getting on the plane before I am getting on? On the way back from Vancouver, I ended up watching “White House Down” because it was a long flight and I had seen all other movies on previous flights. Throughout the movie, I kept thinking that even though it was an English movie, why did it have all kinds of unbelievable and illogical nonsense just like we see in most of the Bollywood flicks? (I said “most”, not all, before some Bollywood lover gets upset and sends me some mail bombs). And finally I got the answer when the movie ended with “A movie by Rohit Shetty”. That explains it.

The previous week in Quebec City, we ended up in a restaurant where they did not have any English menus. And since my colleagues traveling with me knew that I had taken French lessons last year, I did not want to admit that I did not understand anything on the menu and needed help. When the waitress was taking drink orders, I just pointed to the last line on the Vin au verre list (which I figured must be ‘wine by the glass’ based on some of descriptions) because it was one of the most expensive wines (so must be really good). The waitress started laughing and said, “Joking, right?” I was perplexed so my French-speaking colleague looked at what I had pointed at and said, “Hey, this says “sales tax included” in French”. Needless to say, I was in no mood to drink any wine anymore and managed with my glass of water.

And as always, my final thought, this time by Al Gore, “Airline travel is nature’s way of making you look like your passport picture”.

Travel titbits

My job takes me to all kinds of interesting places on earth. Recently, I traveled to 4 “happening” places in Canada in 4 days – Saskatoon, Calgary, Edmonton, and Winnipeg. Together, they belong to the cluster of cities where the slogan should be, “Welcome to ---- (insert the name of the city here), where fun comes to die.” I guess my trip would be equivalent to my lovely sister-in-law-cum-a-world-traveler-wannabe, Kanya Bahwa (a typical Delhite) visiting 4 super cool places – Bhubaneswar (Orissa), Allahabad (UP), Jabalpur (MP), and Guntur (AP) in India, which, by the way, will be a feat itself if she can logistically manage to get to all 4 of them in 4 days.

They say that you learn a great deal just by traveling. I, on the other hand, do not normally learn a thing…. I just observe. For example, in Saskatoon, since we had back-to-back meetings with clients throughout the day, the only lunch we could grab was a quick Subway sandwich. When I entered the store, I saw a sign publicizing their party catering services. At the bottom of the promotion, it said, “For details, please see one of your Subway Sandwich Artists®.”  Really? Sandwich Artist®? There was a time in the history of humanity when people, such as Picasso, Leonardo da Vinci etc. were known as artists. Never in their wildest dreams could these artists have imagined that someday down the road, a high school dropout from a sandwich joint will also be known as an “artist”. What is next? The guy collecting toll at NJ Turnpike will now be known as a “toll artist”? I have already started calling the janitor in our building a “cleanliness artist”. She does smile every time I say that to her.

Since I have “paid my dues” with a significant amount of travel in the last 9 years, the airlines now at least treat me with upgrades and nicer seats. However, it was not this way when I started traveling in 2004 with my consulting job.  Since I did not have any “status” with United Airlines, I used to fly coach every week.  I remember once when I was checking-in on an EasyCheckIn® kiosk for a Chicago-LA flight, a message popped up on the screen asking me if I wanted to upgrade to the Economy Plus for $30 which would give me 5 extra inches of legroom.  I was in a hurry to get the boarding pass and get through security so I did not buy that option.  While waiting to board, I thought some more about the option and realized that I could definitely use a couple of extra inches of legroom because it was a long flight. So, I went to the counter at the gate and had the following conversation with the friendly lady behind the counter (who was not that friendly by the time I was done with the conversation):

Lady: How may I help you, Sir?

Me: I have already checked in at the kiosk but now I would like to upgrade.

Lady:  We have no upgrades to the first class available at this time because this flight is full.

Me:  No, I am not asking for the upgrade to the first class. I just need 3 extra inches of legroom. Here is the fee (I handed over exact change for $18).

Lady: Excuse me? What is this?

Me: I saw this message on the kiosk that I could buy 5” of extra legroom for $30 in Economy Plus but I need only 3” so I am paying $18.

Now not-so-friendly Lady: Can I see your boarding pass?

I handed her my boarding pass and she printed another one for me.

Me: Ma’m, my seat was 22C, now it says 37S. Economy Plus is in the front of the plane, not in the back. And, by the way, how many rows does this plane have?

Lady: 36

Me: What? Then what is 37S? And I have never seen an “S” in any seat number. Even on wide-body, dual-aisle planes, I have seen may be a “K” but never an “S”.

Lady: After row 36, outside the bathroom, we will give you a Stool (and hence the letter “S”) to sit on so you will get your extra 3 inches of leg room. In fact, you will get many more inches of space around you but I won’t charge you for that.

Needless to say, I pleaded her to put me back into my original seat 22C.

On another note, thank God that the US government is open for business once again after a 2 week shut down otherwise more and more government services would have got impacted. After shutting down all non-essential services, if the government still had not received any money from the US Congress (which, by the way, now has an approval rating of 5%.....if you can still call it an “approval” rating), it would have been forced to shut down some of the critical services. And I heard that the air traffic control was next on the list. Whenever that happens, all air traffic will then be controlled manually by all pilots…just like the road traffic in India is controlled by all drivers without any interference from any authorities (at least in smaller towns, such as my hometown, where in a town of 383,318 people (per 2011 census), there is only ONE traffic light, which everyone ignores most of the time).

Since my wife, Anshu was a little stressed out about a chance of me traveling to the US amid the potential air traffic control shutdown (when the air traffic would look like the road traffic in India), I had to get some statistics to put her mind at ease. When we started researching the internet, on the surface, it appeared that India had one of the worst fatalities rate in road accidents (100 deaths per year per 100,000 motor vehicles compared to 15 in the US and 13 in Canada). However, I had to remind her that the denominator here was “per 100,000 motor vehicles” and that is why the statistics looked offal. When you convert the same stats with a different denominator, for example, “per 100,000 moving objects (including but not limited to, cars, scooters, buses, trucks, Kiddo Bahwa’s car, cows, kids, rickshaws, bullock carts, 3-wheelers, horse carriages, dogs, auto-rickshaws, pigs, bulldozers, motor cycles, bicycles, tricycles etc. etc.)”, it does not look that bad. So she is quite comfortable now.

After walking through jet bridges hundreds of time in a typical year, I have memorized all slogans on HSBC billboards predicting the future of humanity. I always wonder how a commercial bank knows that, “Your DNA will be your data”, “Even the smallest businesses will be multinational”, “You will quench your thirst with salt water” etc. etc.  So the other day I called them just to see how good they are with their stuff. The conversation went something like this:

HSBC Rep: Thank you for calling the HSBC bank. How may I help you?

Me: Hi, I would like to know the gold price on Chicago Mercantile Exchange on 2^nd of October, 2014.

Rep: Excuse me?

Me: This is HSBC bank, right?

Rep: Yes Sir.

Me: You have these billboards at every airport in the world with slogans, such as, “Exports will not be transported but rather transmitted” and “Your education will be your best investment” etc., right?

Rep: Absolutely. We are proud of those, Sir.

Me: Great. So, it means that you have a freaking crystal ball in your office which tells you exactly how the world is going to shape up in the future. So why can’t you tell me the gold prices in the future? My wife’s crazy sister, Kiddo Bahwa, is a sucker for gold jewelry and buys gold on “special” occasions, such as 2^nd of October, 12^th of September etc. It will really help her if she can plan these purchases.

And suddenly I heard a dial tone. The phone had been disconnected. Go figure!

And as always, my final thought (this time a travel quote courtesy Henry Youngman, a great Philosopher): “Just got back from a pleasure trip: I dropped my mother-in-law at the airport”.

European Adventures - The Saga Continues

Well, before I get to the sequel of my previous blog on our European trip, I need to address some hate mail I received after publishing that post.  Many of the readers in US/Canada called me a liar saying that they have known my wife, Anshu, for a long time, and hence they know that she does not have a real sister, called Kiddo. Well, the only thing I will say is that, yes, you are “biologically” right……but I am also “technically” right. Now, the next logical question will be – so what does this mean? Does Anshu have a real sister with a slightly strange name Kiddo Bahwa or not? The only thing I am allowed (by Anshu and Kiddo) to say is that “it is complicated.”  Anshu and Kiddo were born in different families but for all practical purposes behave as twins, who are 3 years apart (Kiddo being 3 years older, even though she claims to be 3 years younger and behaves as if she were 16 years younger…and hence earned the name Kiddo). You ask, “How is that possible?”  Trust me, if I try to explain it, I will have to write so much that it will probably take around 5-10 zettabytes (ZB) of data. Just to put things in perspective – zetta is 10²¹ so 1 zettabyte is 1 billion terabytes.  And you thought that terabyte (which is 1000 GB) was a lot of data.

In fact, the only place on earth that is using this much data (around 5 ZB) is the Intelligence Community Comprehensive National Cybersecurity Initiative Data Center in Utah. You obviously need that kind of data if you are listening to every single conversation 314 million Americans have every day. And if I look at the conversations Anshu and Kiddo have on a daily basis, I am sure they amount to almost to that level, give or take 1 ZB. Since access to this kind of server is not feasible for a mortal like me, I attempted to write a book on the intricacies of Anshu’s and Kiddo’s relationship but it turned out to be pretty impractical because by the time I was done with just the Volume 1, it looked a little thicker than a typical book (picture below). And hence I gave up the idea and surrendered to my fate that I will never be able to neither comprehend nor explain the relationship between Anshu and Kiddo.

Another reader from Baluchistan confronted me by saying that the suggestion of naming the royal baby Amar Akbar Anthony was ridiculous because those were 3 different people in the movie, not one single person. It is a different matter that in our conversation we moved quickly from the royal baby’s name to Baluchistan’s latest trends in women fashion. Turns out that Versace burqa has taken over as the most popular burqa in the province after dethroning Gucci.  In any case, I actually agree with this girl from Baluchistan that my friend Sami’s idea was, in fact, ridiculous. I have a better idea – how about John Jani Janardan? That for sure was one person’s name in the Hindi flick, Naseeb. If you like this name, great, thanks.  If you do not…it was actually my friend, Maneet’s idea.

Then my lovely sis-in-law-cum-my-biggest-critic, Kanya Bahwa posts a comment on the previous blog accusing me of being insensitive to the women’s disease (Compulsive Buying Disorder). She also threatens me that the National Commission of Women is coming to get me.  Her accusations and threats are wrong at multiple levels. First of all, before anyone raises such a hue and cry about me being insensitive to CBD, she should think about how girls are insensitive to some of men’s serious diseases, such as ADD (no, not the Attention Deficit Disorder but Alcohol Desire Disorder), STD (no, not the regular STD but Sports Tenderness Disorder), and COPD (no, not Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder but Checking Out Princesses Disorder) etc.  If I start writing about how some girls do not commiserate with men’s disease, I will need another 4-5 ZB of data.

And, by the way, Kanya, I am not worried about the National Commission of Women going to come after me because it is the same organization, which during my trip to India last year honored me at their annual national convention at Delhi’s Centerstage Mall. They felicitated me as a crusader of women’s rights and bestowed upon me the introductory award for “the most knowledgeable guy in women fashion”.  On a related note, unfortunately, after the award function, there was a stampede in the mall when 523 women from the convention, with most of them suffering from the CBD, stormed the stores and crushed 23 store workers to serious injuries who came in their way.  Obviously, the credit for my unparalleled knowledge on the topics of mascara, eye-liners, nail paint, what is IN, what is OUT etc. goes to my enthusiastic participation in intense fashion discussions between Anshu and Kiddo (one of them actually lasted 4.5 hours on a video call). So during the ceremony, I did the right thing and dedicated my award to Anshu and Kiddo.  I am sure that there are many other guys who know this stuff but they are not as courageous as I am to come forward and admit it, making it pretty easy for me to win the award.

Coming back to our Europe trip, after Paris, our next stop was Switzerland. I liked everything about this country, except its vast train network. The biggest issue with this train system is that it is always on time. Growing up in India, I am not used to this kind of punctuality so on the first day we almost missed our train from Zurich to Luzern. As soon as all 4 of us got into the train, the doors closed and the train started moving. And I started thinking that if we had missed the train, it would have been our own version of the Hindi flick Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ) – except that in the movie, the hero and heroine were not married with two kids, and they were stuck in a tiny town with no more trains that day, (whereas, there is a train every 30 min from Zurich to Luzern), and the hero (Shahrukh Khan) was much better looking than I am….so on second thought, I guess if we had missed the train, it would NOT have been our own version of DDLJ….we would have simply taken the next train 30 minutes later.

The best part of Luzern was a trip to the top of Mt. Pilatus by the world’s highest and steepest cog train. This train system is a true engineering marvel and passes through some of the most scenic surroundings I have seen in my life. The view from the top was mesmerizing and standing at the top of the mountain, looking down, in one of those philosophical moments, I started wondering, “Why, in the world, Anshu and Kiddo prefer to eat pani poori  from a street vendor in New Delhi, rather than from a reputed joint such as Haldiram’s?”  I guess some critical questions in life remain unanswered.

And as always, my final thought: The most beautiful relationship is with someone who knows all of your insecurities and imperfections and still loves you the same…..as defined by Anshu and Kiddo.