A (Kind of) Tribute to Bollywood

Lately, my US-born sons have started to watch some Bollywood flicks. And I am not particularly proud to report that the movies they have really liked so far belong to the Hindi movie category I call “do not dare use your brain…..at all” kind of movies. Examples include, “Bol Bachchan”, “Son of Sardar”, “Himmatwala” (new one), “Om Shanti Om”, etc.  So, last weekend I convinced my older son to watch the all time classic, “Sholey” so that he knows that there are also some great Hindi movies out there. After watching “Sholey”, he and I started to wonder how the movie will change if we touch up the plot in today’s environment. If some of it (or all of it) appears to be contrived…well, that was the intention anyway.

For example, this is how the first scene may pan out…

Scene: Jailor comes to visit Thakur at his home:

Jailor: Thakur Sahib, as soon as I received your e-mail, I took the next flight out. Is there something urgent that you wanted to discuss in person and not in an e-mail or over the phone?

Thankur: Yes Jailor Sahib. I wanted to see you in person because this is an extremely important assignment.

Jailor: We could have done a video call on Skype or Facebook. By the way, I have an iPhone now so you can always try Facetime with me.

Thakur: Alright, I get it. Anyway, I need you to find these 2 people (throws pictures of Jai and Veeru on the table).

Jailor: Oh, I know these petty criminals. They are Jai and Veeru.

Thakur: I know. I tried to find their Facebook profiles but they do not have any.

Jailor: Thakur Sahib, as you know, they spend most of their time in jail where WiFi is pretty patchy at best and hence updating their profiles would be almost impossible. That may explain why they do not have any FB profiles. Did you try to Google them or try to find them using other social media?

Thakur: Who do you think I am? Kanya Bahwa?

Jailor: Who is Kanya Bahwa?

Thakur: Some e-commerce enthusiast in New Delhi.

Jailor: Hmmm. One thing I do not understand is what kind of assignment you have that only these 2 can do for you? You know very well that they are criminals and good for nothing.

Thakur: Several years ago, this dacoit, Gabbar Singh killed my entire family. I have been living quietly after that… minding my own business. Now, I want to take revenge.

Jailor: Why suddenly now? After all these years??

Thakur: Well, if I do not take revenge, what will be the plot of this movie then? You do realize that you are in a movie as an extra, don’t you?

Jailor: Cool. By the way, in order to find Gabbar, you can also set up a website “FindGabbar.com” and post his pictures to raise awareness.

Thakur: What if the website keeps crashing like the Obamacare website? And who do you think can set up the website for me?

Jailor: Try this guy Skanda S. Balas. He is some kind of software architect. Also, you should write a blog to tell your story.

Thakur: I do not consider myself as a qualified person to write a blog.

Jailor: What do you mean you are not qualified??? Have you read some of the blogs these days? You should read “A Column About Nothing”… then you will know what I am talking about. People paddle all kind of BS in their blogs these days.

Thakur: Are you really a dimwit? Rather than suggesting this and that, can you focus on the script here? I want these 2 guys as soon as possible.

Jailor: ok, ok. Let me see what I can do. Lemme go and send some tweets to other jailors.

Scene: Thakur explains the assignment to  Jai and Veeru:

Veeru: So we have to catch Gabbar and that too alive?

Thakur: Yes.

Veeru: Thakur Sahib. Gabbar is not like the mayor of Toronto who passes out after a dose of crack cocaine and you go and catch him.

Thakur: I get it. That is why I am paying you this much money.

Jai: Thakur Sahib, let me ask you this. In your opinion, we are also crooks and criminals so why did you pick us for this task?

Thakur: Who else would you suggest?

Jai: Why not Rajnikant? Heard he can do anything.

Veeru: He even knows Victoria’s Secret.

Thakur: Have you heard the saying, “Iron cuts iron”?

Jai: No, I have not but it sounds pretty cheesy.

Thakur: You bet it does. But that is what it says in the script. Salim and Javed must be partying with Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto when they wrote such cheesy dialogues. So, apparently, iron cuts iron and that’s why you two are the right people to catch Gabbar for me.

Jai: Whatever rocks your boat, dude. You pony up the cash and we will do it for you.

Scene: Jai and Veeru get out of Ramgarh train station where Basanti is waiting with her tanga:

Basanti: Wasssup, guys. Would you like a ride? What are you looking at? Have you not seen a tanga before?

Veeru: Er….Er…

Basanti: Oh! So you must be wondering how come a girl is driving a tanga. Don’t chicks drive cars in cities?

Veeru: Of course they do. Not only that, even Kiddo Bahwa drives a car now. And you should see how she drives. When Kiddo is on the road, all rickshaw-pullers, street vendors, cyclists etc. flee the roads and take shelter in tornado-proof buildings. When she drives her Hyundai, she generates hurricane-level winds approaching 280 miles per hour, which knock down trees, electricity cables (and all the clothes which are hung to dry on those cables) or anything else that comes in Kiddo’s way.

Jai: Hey dude, isn’t Basanti supposed to do all the talking per the script?

Veeru: What are you talking about? When it comes to talking, Basanti is nothing compared to Kiddo Bahwa.

Jai: That I agree. Heard that Kiddo Bahwa can talk non-stop for hours. Isn’t she in Guinness Book of World Records already?

Veeru: You bet she is. She currently holds two records – the most dangerous driver on the streets of Delhi and the non-stop talker.

Basanti: Guys, guys, focus on the script here.

Director Ramesh Sippy: Cut Cut Cut!!!!!

To be continued…...

And as always, my final thought: “Roses are red, violets are blue, I am a schizophrenic and so am I” – Bill Murray in “What about Bob?”