Sholey Revisited - Once Again

Let us start from where we left off last time and continue to make Sholey’s plot a little more contemporary. 

Scene: Kaaliya and 2 other “extras” come to Ramgadh to get their monthly supply of food

Kaalia: Dhaulia, what have you brought today?

Dhaulia: Some wheat, sir.

Kaalia: Only this much? Have you kept the rest for the wedding party of your daughter’s wedding?

Dhaulia: Sir, what do I tell you about my daughter’s marriage plans? Where do I even start? So, she was dating this dude from Haripur she met at a dating website last year. He was a cool kid who would bring chocolates, cauliflowers, water melons etc. on dates. Then they broke up because he got hooked up with another chick from Meerapur. And the crazy part was that he broke up with her with a text message. Then my daughter started dating Ahmed but my wife hated the inter-faith hookup….

Kaalia: Stop, stop, stop. That is enough. Oh God! Why did I even ask the stupid question? So, Seetaram, what have you brought?

Seetram: Oatmeal, sir.

Kaalia: WTF. What is this oatmeal?

Seetaram: Sir, this is a good breakfast food…full of fiber and nutrients.

Kaalia: Why do you think we need fiber? Do we look constipated, you SOB?

Seetaram: No, Sir. But that is what I have.

Thankur (with his both hands tied tightly in the back to give the impression that he has no arms) enters the scene:

Thakur: Stop Dhaulia!!! Tell these dogs that they can no longer take food like this.

Kaaliya:  What do you mean we cannot take this food? From now on, are you going to FedEx our monthly supplies? If you do, make sure you use the next-day delivery option. Do not skimp on shipping charges otherwise Gabbar won’t be happy.

Thakur: Kaalia, raise your head and see the death standing at the top of the water tank. Leave now!!!

Scene: Gabbar pacing back and forth, whereas, Kaaliya and 2 other “extras” stand in front of him with their heads hung in shame:

Gabbar: How many of them were there?

Kaalia: Two, Sir.

Gabbar: Two… and you were three, even then you came back….. empty headed? Why were you so scared? Did you see Bahwa chicks – Kiddo and Kanya?

Kaalia: No, Sir. Luckily, Kiddo was out of town to visit a newly-opened beauty parlor in the neighboring village. And Kanya was out on a date with a guy named Pappu who she met at Shaadi.com.

Gabbar: Interesting….that Kiddo girl can never get enough of beauty parlor visits. Anyway, so no Bahwa girls but you were still scared. Arrey Oh Sambha!! What is the government’s reward on my head?

Sambha: Sir, 50 lakh rupees.

Gabbar: Did you hear that, Kaalia? 50 lakh rupees. Do you know why? It is because in a 50 mile radius from here, whenever kids wake up at night, their mother gives them an iPad to play angry birds on it until the kid goes back to sleep again.

Kaalia: Angry birds on iPad? But then what does that have to do with the 50 lakh rupees reward on your head?

Gabbar: Did I say that there would be a correlation between the two? Who do you think I am? A correlation algorithm writer for Google? Don’t you know that my entire education background consists of trying to read my own tattoos? In any case, you need to be punished. Let us play some Russian roulette.

Kaalia: Wow, are we going to Las Vegas?

Gabbar: No, you idiot. Arrey oh Sambha!!! Give me your gun!!!

Sambha hands over his big-ass automatic gun to Gabbar.

Gabbar: Wow, this is a monster gun. Where did you get it from?

Sambha: Amazon.com, Sir.

Gabbar: Oh, they sell guns now? May be I should check them out.

Sambha: Yes, they have added guns to their burgeoning portfolio. In fact, they are now adding pantry items also in order to go after Costco’s business.

Gabbar: They are becoming as omnipresent as Google. I think these two will take over the world soon.

Sambhar: Sir, how about punshing Kaalia and the other 2 idiots.

Gabbar (sheepishly): Oh yeah yeah. I forgot….I get distracted pretty easily. So, how many bullets does it have?

Sambha: Each magazine has 3500 bullets each, Sir.

Gabbar: Humm. 3500 bullets and 3 men. That is not fair. So have many extra bullets does it have? Damn! I cannot do that kind of math in my head. There goes my plan of playing my version of Russian roulette with these bastards….

Director Ramesh Sippy: Cut, Cut, Cut!!

As always, my final thought on the outcome of the Delhi elections: At the best of times, democracy is a seesaw between a tolerable confusion and complete chaos.