Mixed Christmas and a Happy New Year

I know, I know I am supposed to say Merry Christmas but since it was a mixed Christmas so that is what I am calling it. To start with, I was elated when Justin Bieber tweeted on Christmas Eve that he was retiring at the ripe age of 19. The tweet said, “My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring.” I could not “beliebe” my good luck that this obnoxious guy was actually retiring. Initially, I felt bad for millions of idiots around the world who were heartbroken by Justin’s tweet but I consoled myself by saying that these idiots will find another buffoon to worship when Justin is gone so no point in sympathizing with them. However, unfortunately for me, Bieber lost his senses next day when his agent, Scooter Braun (when you hire someone named, “Scooter” as your agent, you deserve to stay stupid), hit him hard on his head with a blunt object. Justin then reappeared on Twitter and dismissed his own claim with a follow-up post saying, “The media talks a lot about me. They make up a lot of lies and want me to fail but I am never leaving you, being a belieber is a lifestyle.”  I could not freaking “beliebe” it.  One thing I do not understand is – how can he blame the media for making up lies when he himself tweeted that he was officially retiring? But then what do you expect from a guy who has the same IQ as that of an eggplant?

This definitely was not a good Christmas for my 8-year-old son, Kush, as well. In the last few years, he has got into the habit of leaving a cute message for Santa (Courtesy Vonage) with his list of desired presents (mostly video games) and finding those presents under the tree on Christmas morning. This year again he left a message and was very confident that he would find what he was looking for when he came downstairs on Christmas morning. However, this year, my wife, Anshu, had a “special talk” with Santa and somehow the video games were replaced with some ice pop maker plus a recorder with a book on how to play it. This obviously ruined Kush’s Christmas.

Since he did not understand why this switcheroo happened, I had to make up a story for him. Every year Kush puts out milk/cookies for Santa and carrots for reindeers near the Christmas tree but this year he was pretty sleepy on the Christmas Eve so he delegated that task to me. So in the morning, after his Christmas presents fiasco, I told him that the previous night I was about to put out milk and cookies but at the last minute on a vcall, his aunt, Kiddo Bahwa, convinced me to spice things up and switch milk and cookies with a glass of vodka in orange juice along with some mixed nuts. And, lo and behold, the next morning the tall glass was empty and the nuts were gone. Since Santa got drunk, he obviously mixed up toys and left someone else’s toys at our home. Not sure if Kush bought my story but he did not get any better explanation from anyone else either.

However, it was not all bad news during this holiday season.  There were some happy moments as well….especially, for some potheads in Colorado (State Motto: “Forget Tennessee – We Have Our Own Version of Smoky Mountains) as it became the first US state to legalize recreational marijuana. Now, if Kush starts to poke holes in my Santa and vodka story, I have a back up story that goes like this: Santa started from the US West Coast and when he went through Colorado, he got carried away by all the euphoria in the state about the legal Marijuana and decided to try some before heading to Canada. By the time he got to Toronto, he was wasted and hence mixed up presents.

Arvind Kejriwal taking oath as Delhi’s new chief minister was another piece of good news though the news story describing his tweets about his diarrhea on the first day of job was a piece of sh-t (pun intended). In fact, everyone knows what kind of unusual bowel movements Rahul (Gandhi, not my brother-in-law) and Sonia must be having these days given their performance in assembly elections in 4 states. Apparently, their election strategy was written by the same guy who led the development of the Obamacare website.

Another happy moment during holidays was when my lovely sis-in-law-cum-a-certified-fashion-freak, Kanya Bahwa made it to live TV in India. She was one of the 3 chicks who received bridal make up tips from Ambika Pillai (who apparently is some kind of make-up Goddess in India) on some chick show. Those of you who know Kanya must be wondering how she qualified to appear on the show when she is not even engaged (those were my exact thoughts as well). When I enquired, Kanya told me that since she was actively looking for a suitable match and it was going to happen very soon anyway, she did not mind telling her version of the truth when her manager was searching for 3 eligible chicks among the staff to appear on this show. This is how the conversation went:

Manager: Kanya, I am sure you have already heard that we are looking for 3 girls to appear on the Ambika Pillai show. Obviously, we need girls who are about to get married. You are not engaged yet, right?

Kanya: yes, I am.

Manager: Really?? When did that happen?

Kanya: Err…Just yesterday. In fact, I was about to come to your office and tell you the news in person.

Manager: That is strange. Weren’t you in the office all day yesterday?

Kanya: Yes, I was but since the ring ceremony was in the evening, I did not want to miss work. You know how dedicated I am when it comes to working here.

Manager: Yeah, yeah. That is great. So what is his name?

Kanya: Whose name?

Manager: The guy you got engaged to. Who else?

Kanya: Right, Right. His name is err…Rizwan.

Manager: Oh! So he is a Muslim?

Kanya: Well, that is not his real name.

Manager: What is his real name then?

Kanya: Kundan

Manager: Hmmm. Interesting. So how many times have you seen Ranjhanna?

Kanya: Thirteen, but why do you ask?

Manager: Never mind. I guess you really want to be on the show so that is fine. See you at 9 tomorrow for the shoot.

As always, my final thought – “People treat New Year as some sort of life-changing event.  If your life sucked last year, it is still going to suck this year.”